A Letter of Clarity

Dear little me, 

It finally feels like the right time to talk to you. You’re reading this sitting on a bench at breaktime, hiding yourself in a book; playing your own game of acting “normal”. Well, guess what? You’re not normal. You never have been, and you never will be. But that’s okay. You’ll realise on a Tuesday in April in the big 2026, a year you haven't even comprehended yet. You’ll realise, after a long 20 years, why you feel like this. You’ll get a label. Scary at first but it's finally an explanation. 25 pages of an explanation you’ve been waiting for for years already. The explanation you needed to feel worthy of writing this letter in the first place. 

You’re not lazy. You struggle to figure out what your body is telling you and what your brain needs, until you physically cannot carry on pretending. Transitions are scary, even things you know should be second nature, like the process of getting ready for school or the uncertainty of plans changing around you. 

You’re not difficult. You’ve been masking your whole life because that's all you’ve ever known. Sacrificing your selfhood to fit in and feel worthy of a specific group; but it won’t work. Not until you find the right group, which you will eventually. Just not right now. 

You’re not too much. You feel emotions like they’re bursting out of your heart and begging to be released into the atmosphere. Even if they're not your own thoughts. Every person's emotions attack yours until all you care about is fixing them. You need to learn that it is not always your job to be everyone's rock. You need to be your own first. One day you’ll realise that your love is beautiful. People won't appreciate it for a long time, stifling your yearning to be there for them. They will hurt you. A lot. Multiple times. But not all of them will hurt you. Some will give your love and care back tenfold, and these are the people you need to keep. 

You’re not strange. Well you are, just a little bit. But the strange that creates art, creates poetry. The kind of stranger that loves so hard and so deeply. The kind of strange that advocates for yourself and others unapologetically. The kind of strange that achieves your dreams that I know you’re thinking about right now. To write. To create. To adore. To produce. To be seen. To be appreciated. 

You’re not stupid. You’re not wrong, or bad, or any of those thoughts flying around in such a young mind that should still be playing with dolls and believing in the tooth fairy. You’re autistic. You are now, even though you have no idea. 

One day, you’ll resent that no one realised; maybe they didn't care enough to realise. So you won’t tell them; they won't deserve it. You will tell the people you love; the same people that love you. And believe me, that is a lot of people. You are surrounded by people, and love, and art, wherever you go. You have achieved things you never thought you could. You stand out from the crowd; in a positive way. People are starting to look up to you now. You’re becoming a role model. You are using your strengths to make the world better, and you start to love yourself in a way you didn't know existed. It’s not just acceptance: it’s wisdom, it’s acknowledgement, it’s pride. 

I promise you that you’ll find me when you’re ready. I hope you realise how much you need this letter. There’s so much I need to tell you, this isn't even half of it. But I'll leave you to your reading now. I’ll leave you to grow, to learn and to develop until you come back to me. 

I know you will, and it'll be beautiful. 

Sending love, hugs and strength, 

From the you that you always wanted to be.

Written by, Charley Sands