Did You Know Your Camera Lens Can Lie

A few weeks ago, I showed a new-ish friend a picture of myself from last January in an amazing dress, paired with one of my favourite pairs of boots. My friend, the angel that she is, only had the nicest things to say about the picture. She said I looked happier than I do presently.

The darndest thing is, she couldn’t have been more wrong about it.

Last January was the lowest point in my life. Obviously, she had no idea when she made that comment because I hadn’t told her anything about it. It struck me how much a person can show, or not show, depending on how you see it, what they’re going through. How much a person is capable of hiding their emotions, their thoughts, their struggles, and who they’re becoming while dealing with all these things alone. Because at the end of the day, as much as you share your problems with your confidantes, you’re still the one stuck in the problem. Because at the end of the day, as much as you share your problems with your confidantes, you’re the one who needs to decide how to go to sleep and wake up night after night. Because at the end of the day, as much as you share your problems with your confidantes, you’re the one who’s expected to present a solution to the problem statement.

It might be the simplest thing that sent me down this merry train of thought. But it made me realise just how differently someone who hasn’t always been a part of your life perceives you. Fascinating, is it not? It also begs the question that needs to be asked, which is: do the people who have been in your life for a substantial period of time recognise when you’ve retreated into your shell of misguided safety?

Fortunately, I have people who immediately caught on to my irregular behaviours and constantly checked in with me. Hope you have them too, reader boo (if not, let’s rethink a few people you’re spending your precious energy on, okay?).

Even though that picture was clicked on my birthday, I couldn’t have been more down in the dumps. I smiled for the camera while my heart was bleeding out. I put on a nice dress because I knew that particular birthday was not going to wait for me, all while hamsters were working their winter weight off in my head (I mean no offence to any hamsters or hamster enthusiasts reading this). I celebrated however I did in hopes my demons would be confused about whether to chase me or not. I ran as far and as fast as I could from the shadows that tempted me to join them until they tired before they could tear through the banner.

All that ended in twenty-four hours.

The pictures, to everyone else, immortalised a special birthday. But only I know what kind of special it really was.

I’m no one to preach to you not to be jealous of the parts of people’s lives you’re privy to on Instagram. I get jealous all the time. I envy lifestyles all the time. I get mad at content that’s getting more traction than mine. We’re human; we need negative emotions, and you’re allowed to feel them as much as you want to. It’s completely okay, and no one else needs to understand them. But all I ask, pretty please with cherries on top, is that you try not to let these emotions overwhelm you, consume you, drown you, and disfigure you into someone you don’t recognise, both inside and out.

I have been, and I still am, putting in a lot of effort not to get lost in that whirlpool. It’s a job that needs to be done every second. It’s extremely tough to stay afloat when so much around you feels like it’s all crumbling and falling apart. And when you try to put it all together so it makes even an iota of sense, you become a part of the debris, too. All of us experience life in multitudes of pain, grief, loathing, happiness, and all the other colours from the movie duet.

Last January taught me how different a person I can be. It showed me my breaking points. It showed me so many truths about myself. It showed me so many lies I was telling myself. It showed me who I have been and who I can be.

I think my point here is: do not trust social media about ninety per cent of the time; feel all your emotions because it will do you good about ninety per cent of the time, and always trust that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, because that could help you charge your own torch’s batteries for about ninety per cent of the time.

Written by, Nova Ricci