Do I Want a Relationship or Does Society Want One For Me? The Pressures of Being Single

Ah relationships! A chronically single person’s worst nightmare.

You see everyone around you slip in and out of relationships with ease, as if it’s effortless,

as if it does not matter.

A point of undeniable confusion for me.

I’ve been single my whole life. No relationship. No situationship, nothing. The triple threat of singleness.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I have never wanted a relationship. It’s funny, being single is

like a wave. It dips and dives. One minute you want a relationship — someone to hold a

night, someone to love you as more than a friend, someone who truly wants you — yet just

as quickly, you start to look at relationships with fear or sometimes even apathy.

This fear has become quite present for me when attempting, and miserably failing to use

dating apps. One night, when the boredom and slight self-pity that I was still single were

eating at me, I regrettably downloaded hinge.

I spent all of a couple of hours on the app before rushing to delete it the moment it became

apparent that I was being perceived, worse so I was being perceived as a romantic prospect.

Of course, I knew that was going to happen, that was the point of me creating a dating

profile, right? And yet, I felt almost repulsed by it. But I didn’t understand my aversion. I had

spent so long desperately wanting a relationship, desperately wanting to be viewed

romantically.

I didn’t stop to consider whether I was truly ready for it. Everyone else was, and I didn’t want

to be left behind.

You see, it’s awkward, when a conversation steers to relationships and you have to sit there,

patiently waiting for the next topic knowing you have nothing to add, or when someone asks

you what’s going on your ‘love life’ and you have nothing to volunteer.

And it’s scary, knowing how painfully naïve you’ll be in the event that you do get a significant

other, because you have no experience whatsoever.

It’s a constant limbo between the pros and cons. No heartbreak but no love life. Lack of

toxicity in your life but lack of intimacy too.

And the issue with not having a relationship is not knowing if you truly ever wanted one, or if

you’ve been conditioned to desire it. As a woman, we have been told virtually all our lives, whether by those older than us, by our peers, or by the media and the music we consume,

that the ultimate end goal in life is to find love.

It’s posed as non-negotiable, and so when you don’t find it, it feels alienating. It’s hard not to

internalise it, to question what is wrong with you, what makes you unloveable. What makes

something so intrinsic to the human experience so unachievable for you?

It does not seem to matter whether you want it and can’t find it, or you just don’t want it point

blank, either way there’s still a certain pressure there, the notion that you should have it, and

there’s something wrong with you if you don’t.

I can name many-a-time where I’ve misunderstood genuine human connection and

friendship as infatuation with someone, simply because I want to feel something, rather than

because I actually do.

I think the older that I’ve gotten I’ve realised it is because I’ve been conditioned to think that

way, that I’ve been conditioned to blur lines, because I’m meant to have romantic prospects,

and the closest thing to a prospect I’ve had is a slightly attractive guy who has been nice to

me. It’s silly when you truly think about it.

We idealise the bare minimum because the bare minimum is better than nothing at all.

It is only when you release yourself from the societal pressures that it all becomes less

confusing and you become more free.

Your singleness it’s not for society to dictate, rather for you to navigate.

Once you come to that realisation, even though the road to get there is a rocky one, you’ll

become a lot more content with your relationship status, or lack thereof because it is okay to be single and want a relationship, and it’s okay to be single and not want one. Peace with yourself will bring you peace in your life.

So for all my fellow single girls out there, it’s okay to be where you’re at right now. The only

one that should have any opinion or influence on that, is you.

Written by, La’Keesha Stewart