Grieving a friend

I can't help but reflect on the past and how different life looks nowadays. And grief is something that has always seemed to stick around in different ways. I am not sure if I have ever dealt with grief correctly and if I have ever understood it even from experiencing it at 16 years old and now in my twenties. 

What has always baffled me is how it can look so different but feel exactly the same. Which can be a very confusing feeling. I have people who have passed in my life and then there's the living. Especially close friends. I am not talking just friends that come and go, family. 

We are talking about the people who I envisioned would be at my wedding, be aunties to my children and essentially never not in my life. What a shock I had in store for myself when I moved back after living in another city. 

There have been lots of question marks around my head for a long time but since the start of this year it has finally sunk in and I finally don't feel confused. Because I have come to accept that one: some things are temporary and two: I was very naive to what effort I was given. I love to give people excuses to validate my overthinking. I even started to try and find what was wrong with me and guess what? There wasn't anything, I even asked them. 

In the past, I was already grieving my friends whilst still being in the friendship by making excuses for why they acted how they did. 

They might be struggling, I am too. They are probably busy, I am too. They will eventually tell me what is going on, I will fill in the gaps. There were so many signs I chose to ignore. I chose to keep it all in to the point when I had enough, there was no going back. Dangerous move. 

Anyone who says that grieving a friendship isn't bad, is someone who has never been in one where you are totally raw, vulnerable and most of all make the best, funniest and happy memories with. 

I thought it was me. That I had changed and I made the choice to move away. How much self destruct can one person take? Yes, granted I had changed but in the best ways. Coming home, I have never felt as comfortable in my own skin and surrounded by supportive people. 

And why do you ask, did I waste time and energy when it was clearly not wanted? I have no idea or I just wanted my best friends back. Holding onto potential. Lets just say I wouldn't tolerate it with a romantic partner so why on earth would I do this with a friend? 

Then the sweet silence creeps in. No messages, calls, social media presence liking or commenting like there used to be, just bird tweets. The looming darkness and weird behaviour that is out of place but you can't help but notice it. Wondering when you will see them again, is this the last time? Constantly overthinking, just to validate everything you ever thought. To be left on read, just as easy as a walk in the park. 

I want to remind you that your feelings are valid and I extend my heart to you, I understand how you feel. Grieving a friend comes in waves just as much as losing a physical person on the other side. Being reminded of something or bringing them up feeling like you are cursing by saying their name. 

Remember it is okay to be on this rollercoaster and you are now given something special. To choose people in your life that give you as much energy as you give and to pour more into those who already do. Gratitude is the best super power anyone can have.