Growing Into My Body

As you get older the relationship with your body can become harder and it definitely changes. First comes puberty, then the second puberty in your 20’s (that no one talks about) and then we go through menopause and we are in our older years. 

It is confusing being so many different versions of yourself and I'm only in my mid twenties. With lifestyles fluctuating, having partners then not, babies and different jobs. It is exhausting when on top of this you feel deafened by your body. 

Trying to feel comfortable in your own skin can be an impossible task. The amount of times I wished I was a girl a couple of years ago to realize that even then I was unhappy. So when is there a stop button? Do I keep beating myself up no matter how I feel I look?

Moving back home from an active lifestyle, starting a new healthy relationship and creating a safe connection with eating has made me put some weight on. I have grown into my curve, o have a bum what? The bones that poked through are now veiled healthy. I don't walk around with headaches constantly or feel tired as much as I used to be. But still I feel uncomfortable as I was before. Half the pain and more happiness when it came to food and the idea of it.

Growing into my womanly body has come with many positives. One: people have noticed my happiness. You are glowing, you look happier and that is because I am not worrying about what I am fuelling myself with and the pressure of exercising till I feel like I could collapse. The pressures of doing something and not doing it because I enjoy it.

Two: I move my body because I enjoy it, not from the pressures of looking a certain way. I go to the gym and pick up weights that make me feel strong, I go to Pilates because it makes me feel feminine and I love swimming because it makes me feel light whilst moving. All of these things I have learnt from my body changing and screaming for help. It doesn't want to do cardio to the point of dreading the gym. 

Three: Finding new clothes that compliment my body type. I am curvy around the bottom part of myself which has always felt weird and uncomfortable to me. Despite there being curvy queens out there on the internet it has never felt normal enough to feel normal that I feel like this. Shopping and clothes as a teen has always been something that was fun for me and loved doing. Trying new styles has never been something I have shied away from. But in the last year I have avoided it like the plague. Being in a changing room with mirrors of all angles, even just standing there with a bunch of clothes thinking how I want it to ‘cause I am too big. Looking at other women envying a thing I would never be able to be. But by making myself a little uncomfortable and going to different shops, not just Zara and Primark, it allowed me to find something that suited my body. Now I don't dread ordering online as much or thinking ‘oh no what am i going to hear today’. Ending up with something to wear other than joggers and a jumper. 

Four: everything I have been brainwashed into thinking isn't true. Being a bit heavier than usual can allow intrusive thoughts. Weighing a bit differently than you did at the start of a relationship can feel like the biggest problem in the world. Will they still fancy me cause I don't look exactly like I did two years ago? Am I attractive enough? But in the words of my boyfriends: ‘I prefer the person you are now and have grown into, happier and comfortable’. I have for many years thought and more so believed that the number on the scale and the curvier is an influence on people liking me, which is completely ridiculous. My friends haven't changed because I look different, they love and care for me just the same. These thoughts are scary and remember that your brain believes what you feed it. So make sure it is all healthy and positive things.

So this is a reminder to anyone struggling that it does get better and there are still days that I struggle. but the win is I don't struggle half as much as I used to. This body I am in is only temporary and if I want to change I have the power to. for now this is good for me and you don't need to change. all the love and healing to you from Luna.