Living as a Celiac

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a gluten disorder. To those who don't know much about it, it is an autoimmune disorder triggered by gluten which is found in wheat, barley and rye. Yes that means, no bread! What will I do without bread? For years since I was 13 years old I had this niggling feeling that something wasn't right when it came to eating. Bloating, bone pain, chronic fatigue and nausea. I always felt there was something wrong with me. Here I was thinking I was food poisoned most weeks.

After blood tests, scans (which were not needed) and even cameras in places you don’t want to know, nearly ten years later I was diagnosed. I thought I had been going crazy but till my symptoms were worse in my twenties I knew something wasn't right.  Imagine moving out for the first time to a different city and you are gifted with this? So lonely. I pushed and pushed for answers even if it meant I had to repeat myself a hundred times and be put into uncomfortable positions.

And that's it I got my diagnosis and all was well. But no, it only just started. 

There are so many effects that come from having celiac disease/gluten disorder. Physical being the symptoms of a flare up but then when they are not present its being more prone to deficiencies. Anemia, vitamin deficiencies, fatigue and overall weakness. How fun, in  my twenties I should be running around, living it up. Scared of the winter season and going places just in case someone has a minor cold which to me would floor me for a whole week. 

And this creates a knock on effect mentally. Throughout the year I constantly question what is wrong with me, what am I missing and what can I do to feel better. An endless loophole from season to season. Already knowing there is something wrong I can’t control and then to try and figure out what I can is exhausting. 

Mentally I have always been anxious about my health ever since. Being told it's nothing and walking away under more stress, making myself even more ill. Knowing that there was something wrong and being told I was right made me magnify everything that could be potentially wrong. Stomach pains, I have appendicitis. Sore throat, I now have tonsillitis. None of this would be true. I couldn't take myself seriously as I was constantly trying to find something wrong to fix me. 

Being diagnosed led to the understanding that celiac disease/gluten disorder, I have brain fog and would be easily irritated. Most of all anxiety and depression. Which was already a looming figure in my teens was heightened and attacked even more. All the more enhanced for me and as the years have gone by, I realised how much this all affected me.

There have been times where I have gone out for tea and cried at the table because there were no options and everyone was staring at me, or even better deciding somewhere and causing family rows because I didn't want to make a decision for a change.  

Then there's when people go out of their way to buy the expensive GF items and you feel bad because they have to pay extra just for you to feel included and present. As someone who doesn't want to be in the limelight this can be hard to accept. I just want to be Violet in The Incredibles and turn invisible. 

The constant having to remind and announce to friends I need to eat gluten free and I am worried about cross contamination, because it may be GF but it doesn't mean it actually is heaven forbid. Then your food comes with a massive flag labelling it GF drawing more attention basically labelling me as the freak who can't eat properly, haha. Don't forget the manager, chef and waiter stood around the table to order one person's food, how intimidating. 

And look, I know you probably are thinking they are looking out for you and protecting you but I can't help but feel put off and would rather sit at home and make something myself or not eat with family and friends at all.

When seasons arrive like Christmas, Birthdays and Easter come around it is not the same. Food brings people together and for it not to feel the same is hard. Again for one person in the family to be celiac it means a lot of fuss for one day. Say bye bye to birthday cake, chocolate cake and hot cross buns. Onto alcohol. I was someone who liked to have a drink but now my body says no. I can only at a push have one type of drink if I wanted, but I can't tolerate any without feeling violently ill for days. 

Lets not forget the last bad part of being celiac is going to new places. I would have said in my teens and until my twenties I was adventurous and outgoing. I was never home and I can't say the same now for sure. If I can stay at home I will when it involves food. If I am going on a day out to a new city I have snacks in my bag and eat before. The constant planning of finding a place to eat for lunch or dinner before I've even stepped into the city. It takes all the fun out of being spontaneous and just choosing. The ability to choose without checking. 

With this all being said and being able to give you an insight into everyday life there is some good. It has allowed me to see my body as important and to look after it by putting the right foods and vitamins it needs. To look out for myself more than I ever did, even mentally to learn and undo what was done before. Being GF allows me to find those who think before I do and look after me, most of all protecting me. 

I have an amazing family, friends and most of all a boyfriend who is patient and listens to me and puts up with some tears (less than before) and my confidence that fluctuates all the time. It isn't an extra to me, it is just something I have and do and they try to make me feel like I'm missing out. My mum is the best for this, no garlic bread? I'll make some from scratch. Want to eat as a family? She will cook two different portions of pasta. Christmas Eve box? Of course I will buy you your favourite GF bits and new stuff to try!

If anyone is newly diagnosed and struggling I promise it gets better. It used to bother me and now I look at foods and situations and don't even have those thoughts anymore. Your body will change and you will evolve with it. Remember you are truly beautiful, enjoy yourself, food and everything that comes with it. Find where you fit.