Poem: Growing Old, Growing Whole

It was a Friday, few minutes before 

The sharing after two weeks of creative research with Kompagni and

I was having a terrible throat ache and fever 

Trying not to show any signs of weakness or pain to the dancers 

to keep their spirits up 

In the end - they were the ones performing 

Not me

A very talented photographer Lisa Otto @lisaotto.dk 

was taking portraits of the dancers 

She offered to snap a few photos of me as well

I was a little terrified 

I’m so glad she asked me 

And that I agreed 

The result blew me away

It used to be one of my favorite things  - working with photographers

But in the last two years I couldn’t get myself to do it 

And here is why:

I felt like I “grew into myself” only in my 30’s. 

Only then I started to feel beautiful 

I allowed myself to feel beautiful 

I allowed myself to enjoy being in my body 

Maybe not everyday but for the most part

At 38 this experience started to shift rapidly 

I began to lose the grip on my identity, 

my style, my appearance, my way of moving 

It was connected to things in my professional life and in my body

Overwhelming 

Confusing 

Hopeless

Being on stage again 

While performing Virginia is For Lovers 

by @signehrmannsrensen & @we_like_we 

Helped me realize that

All those changes are not final

They don’t mean the end 

definitely a transition

But not the end

There is more to explore 

through this body 

more to express with this face 

this voice 

there is more to give 

I’m still a dancer, a performer 

I’m still a woman 

And I can still allow myself to feel beautiful 

I can still allow others to see me as beautiful 

Or as whatever they choose to see me

Aging - is an experience, it’s a rollercoaster on itself, and I hope I have enough curiosity and courage 

to enjoy it

And so does the world around me

Well, at least some of the time

Written by, Arina Trostyanetskaya