The Last Diary Entry Before Birth

Dear Diary,

Hi friends, me again. Reporting back with not much of an update… My belly is still huge and the baby boy is still nestled inside. I really thought after over a week of contractions, he would make his big debut into the world. Unfortunately, I’ve just been stuck in a loop of contractions that get stronger and stronger and then just dissipate or stop.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such an emotional toll on my mind and body.

Sometimes it feels like there’s something wrong with me, because why is my body showing all the signs of labour , and then just stopping?! It’s so discouraging.

Everyday, my phone is flooded with texts from my mom, my dad, my in-laws, my friends. All asking for updates, asking if I’m in labour , asking if he’s here yet. And everyday I have to keep typing out the same message. No baby yet, no progress, I’m exhausted, and frankly, I feel like shit. I can’t sleep because the pain gets so intense at points, which causes the anxiety to kick in. 

On top of that, the baby rarely moves and I have to keep reminding myself that he’s fine, I just can’t feel his movements when I’m having contractions.

I’ve tried telling my loved ones that I will update them when there is something worth saying. I know they all mean well, but it’s becoming so depressing having to explain every time that there is no news. Then they ask me why there’s no progress. Trust me, if I knew I would try to do something about it. I’ve been doing all the stretches, the curb walking, the dates, the raspberry leaf tea, the oxytocin boosting, the colostrum pumping. And I know that baby will come when he is ready. I was mentally prepared to go past 40 weeks, right up until the contractions started. Now, all I want is for the pain to stop and for the baby to be in my arms.

Which also makes me feel so guilty for wanting this pregnancy to be over before 40 weeks. I feel like I’m slowly becoming delirious with lack of sleep, lack of energy, lack of motivation and just feeling so much anxiety all the time.

My 39 week appointment is around the corner and I’m wondering if my midwife would be willing to discuss options for setting an induction date or a membrane sweep. I know there’s no medical necessity for this right now, but having a date to look forward to might help me feel like there’s an end in sight. Even if it doesn’t actually get to that point, or even if it doesn’t necessarily put me into labour. At least knowing something will help put my mind and body at ease.

Hoping for some more exciting news next week! Fingers crossed.

B.