The Month We Hoped

Dear Diary,

Wow, I can’t believe this is really happening! I’m scared to say it out loud, like it could all be snatched away in the blink of an eye. But we are just so happy. I’m roughly 6 weeks along at this point and have had my first round of blood tests and doctors appointments. My doctor was hesitant at first, my hCG levels were lower than she’d like, especially given my medical history. But after being poked and prodded some more, we saw a significant rise and she confirmed it seems like a viable pregnancy at this point! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for mid-March (the 8 week mark) and everything is starting to feel real.

Cue the hormone fluctuations and all the emotional baggage this carries. My husband is wonderful and supportive, but I can’t help but envy him. He gets to be excited, without worrying about every slight twinge or cramp that I feel in my body. I know it’s mostly normal and perfectly safe, but every little feeling has me in constant worry. I know I should relax- stress isn’t good for the baby either- but I feel like it’s all up to me now. It feels like if I don’t eat right or stay in shape or relax enough, it’ll be my fault if something goes wrong. My mom says that’s not true.

The doctor told me miscarriages are not usually related to what the mother is doing at all, rather just a chromosomal or DNA issue. I’m trying not to think about it.

Then there’s the body image. It’s funny, I thought I wouldn’t care at all about how I looked or felt, since this is something I’ve wanted so badly. Maybe it’s the hormones. But my god am I insecure. In a way I haven’t been before. I’ve worked so hard these past three years to build muscle, lose weight, and gain confidence in my body. And in 6 weeks it feels like it’s all gone out the window. I’ve gained 10 pounds and I know it’s mostly just bloating from progesterone but I can’t help but worry. I’ve heard the horror stories of infidelity during pregnancy, and even though I know in my head and heart that my husband would never cheat, I also can’t help but worry about it. It seems so silly to me, but I’ll just randomly start crying about the smallest things. We play softball as a co-ed team and this year I won’t be able to play - for obvious reasons - and I spiraled into a pit of self-consciousness about all the girls that would be replacing me. Even though I know I’ll be at every game, cheering my team on, I just feel inadequate. I’m used to waking up every morning and going to the gym, lifting weights, and doing my cardio. This week, I’ve only gone twice. I’ve been feeling horrible in the mornings and so exhausted, but then also feeling bad about not getting things done. Is this normal? Are there other pregnant women out there who feel this way?

I’m hoping the second trimester brings more stable emotions, and hopefully less doubt. Looking forward to our first ultrasound where we can hopefully see the baby!

Until next week,

B.