The Theory of the Three Families

Family holds an interesting place in all of our lives. At some point in our lives, we’ve all had one. The majority of people have at least one member of their family still in their lives, many have many, & they come in all sorts of shapes & sizes. Families are unique in their makeup, each person’s respective places within them & what our relationships are like with each branch of our tree. But they’re also unique in how much regard & consideration we give it.

Some people think about their family a lot; whether due to particularly strong relationships, mutual responsibilities for each other or for major events, including celebrations or illnesses. But for others, family treads lightly on their lives, maybe because of distance, weaker relationships or generally just being less important factors within our daily lives. But no matter who you are, you have, or once had, a family.

I fall into the former category; family plays such a crucial role in my life, wellbeing & happiness. But what defines ‘family’ has always been something I have struggled with, particularly in recent years. Since a young age, I have known that my family was different to ‘the norm’: the term ‘broken home’ was used a lot growing up to refer to the separation of my parents, the last picture I have with all of grandparents together I was too young to remember being taken & my relationships with several family members are still in an emotional grey area. And yet, the ‘family unit’ still plays such an important role in my life.

Because there’s more to family than just what exists on paper. And for many, like me, it’s the people we meet along the way that feel akin to these relationships, which has rapidly redefined how I view ‘family’. From growing up wondering if I ever really had one, or even how complete it was, the past few years have made me realise that I have several, & that it was my worldview that needed to alter. For, I would argue that I, & many other people, have at least three families, each distinct & serving a special purpose in our lives.

First, & most obviously, is the family we are born into; our Biological Family. From our parents & grandparents, to siblings, cousins, aunts & uncles, these are the people we share our blood with. They are the first family we can ever encounter & yet can often be the weakest of them all, with little inherently bonding us besides our shared heritage. This is also the most conventional inference of ‘family’ & the one that others will most often refer to in times of trial or hardship.

Secondly comes the family of people we surround ourselves with; our Chosen Family. These people, our friends & peers, can enter our lives through any manner of events or circumstances, staying for a short time or locking in for the long haul. Crucially, they are people that we choose to spend our lives with, to share our toughest moments with, & the group that changes the most frequently. Chosen Families, like Biological Families, can come in many forms, but are most likely related to us in more specialised ways, from common interests, to age, location or shared experiences.

I always thought my forest of family trees ended there. But I recently realised that there’s a third tree, the family we didn’t necessarily choose but who have become part of our lives anyway; our Found Family. This is perhaps the most special family there is: structured similarly to our Chosen Family, but with one crucial difference – every person in our Found Family has chosen us. The one type of family we have such little control of yet plays the most instrumental part in our lives. Whether it’s that one special friend, the person who appeared when we most needed them, or even selected Biological Family members like godparents or those we have an unusually strong connection to, our Chosen Family is the most mysterious, most special & most sacred.

My relationship with family has always been a tricky one, but as I grow further & further, I realise just how lucky I am to have the people I have around me; those who support, uplift & inspire me every day to be the person I’ve always dreamt of. My Chosen Family, & particularly my Found Family, are the reason I am here today. Some of them don’t even know they hold this special place in my heart, in the same way your Chosen & Found Families may not either, but it is their love that makes us who we are.

Written by, Sophie Layton (she/her)