A little Heart Waiting, Diary Entry

Dear diary,

Today is day 10 of my second cycle while trying to start our own family. I know, I

know, we’ve only been married for a few short months. Everyone’s telling me to wait, that I’m so young and I have so much time to start a family. Why don’t they get it? I know they don’t mean it in a bad way. I’m sure they’re just trying to make

me feel better…

But, how do I tell them that, actually, I don’t know if I do have time. I was diagnosed

with PCOS just a little over a year ago. And while I’ve made so many lifestyle changes, and my hormones seem to have balanced, I’m still so scared. I have dreamed of becoming a mom for as long as I can remember. When we first started

dating, I told my now-husband on our third date (I know, what was I thinking?!) that what I really wanted out of life was to have my own family.

Careers, experiences, friends, of course they are all important. But ultimately, everything I was working towards was for my future family.

Looking back, my friends probably all thought I

was crazy. I mean, we were 17?!

I suppose it wouldn’t feel so scary if this wasn’t a sore subject. Two years ago, I ended up pregnant (totally unplanned). My husband and I had moved to England to explore, to experience a change of lifestyle before we settled down and got

married. I’ll never forget that week leading up to finding out. We had gone out to this new pub and I had some chicken skewers. They weren’t the greatest and the next day I felt sick and nauseous. I thought for sure I had salmonella poisoning. I started throwing up and was super emotional. We went to watch the Lion King

and I sobbed the whole time, saying I missed my dad.

My husband suggested I take a pregnancy test. I thought no way , we were always careful. Well, clearly not careful enough. I almost fainted when I saw those two little pink lines.

Fast forward through the shock, the emotions, the knowing that we weren’t nearly financially stable enough for a baby, not to mention we were not married and had just booked our wedding venue for 2025. I was roughly eight weeks along. I just turned 24. And all I wanted was to keep this baby, to throw all our plans out the window

and have the life I had dreamed of for so long.

We finally got an appointment with a doctor in London. I was at work when I got the call that unfortunately, the pregnancy would likely not make it through term. I had to make the decision: go through a medical abortion, or take my chances and risk losing both the baby and my fallopian tubes if the pregnancy were to

erupt.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. It still haunts me. Now, married and wanting children, every time I see that negative test, I wonder , is this my punishment? For not taking that risk years ago?

I know, it sounds silly when I say it out loud. But a small part of me still fears that what if . What if that was my only chance?

It crosses my mind every time someone tells me ‘It’s okay, you’ll get pregnant soon.’

‘Don’t stress about it, it’ll all work out.’ I don’t know what to do. All I can seem to do

is to write. So I guess this is my way of inviting anyone who is on a similar journey, or anything who is curious, to follow along with my TTC (trying to conceive) and hopefully my pregnancy journey.

See you next week,

B.