Dreaming I Was Expecting: A Tender Message From Within

Dear Diary,

So… I can confirm that the Two-Week-Wait (TWW) is complete and utter torture. We

are officially 10DPO (10 days post-ovulation) and it’s still mostly too early for any

real results on an at-home pregnancy test.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t help it. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have done it. I’m setting

myself up for heartbreak. But I’ve been having the most vivid dreams of my life.

Dreams where my husband and I are laying in our bed, the exact same comforter ,

the twinkling lights from our balcony illuminating just the main features of his

face, and we’re holding a beautiful baby boy. Then last night, another dream, but

we’re on our couch watching TV and we’re each holding a precious baby girl,

twins. I wake up every time, tears streaming down my face as I come back to the

reality of empty arms.

So when I woke up this morning and saw that there was a 20% chance of seeing a

positive result, I had to try. I snuck out of bed, careful not to wake my still-sleeping

husband. It was barely 7am. I went through the routine that had become so

familiar to me and watched the timer count down those long 5 minutes. I took a

shaky breath and stared as hard as I could at that small strip. No line. Not even a

ghost of a line. I tried to tell myself that it was still so early and I had another 6

days to keep testing. I wasn’t completely out of this cycle. But I couldn’t help the rush

of emotions and disappointment.

I tried to go back to sleep, but my heart was broken. I did this to myself, I know. I

I just thought that it could’ve been my little miracle. T o know we could be starting

our family on Family Day weekend. The same weekend I lost my baby a few years

ago. It would’ve been like a do-over , and I didn’t realize how tightly I was holding

onto that hope until I saw that stark negative staring back at me.

With 6 more days until my expected period, I know I need to keep my heart

guarded, but I can’t help but pray and wish and hope for a positive line. Fingers

crossed for some baby dust coming our way.

See you next week,

B.