It is Fine to Leave

It’s naive to think ‘they would never do that to me’, because they could. One thing I want drilled into my mind this year is not to be reliant on others. I don’t mean financially alone, I’m just not trying to invest my time into people and trust too deeply anymore. I like people, I love experiencing new personalities, getting to know someone’s story and just knowing what it feels like to be in that person’s bubble.

So this is possibly the hardest thing for me. I genuinely enjoy being around people I like, regardless of whether they like me back to that extent, and that’s a problem. I’ve noticed that my effort isn’t always reciprocated. I try to make the people I consider special to me feel just as special, but looking back not all of them deserve it. This isn’t about them not being worth it, but about incompatibility. Maybe I liked them too much and too fast. 

The worst feeling to experience is being disappointed by someone you love. Everyone has a minor fallout here and there but there are some conflicts that wreck you to a state of disbelief. You sit down and ponder, the words exchanged bounce around the walls in your head and eat at your self-esteem. It’s hard to believe that they would treat you with little care, and you begin to recall the little moments when it should have been obvious that they weren’t a fit for you. And in a situation where you do end up reconciling the feeling still lingers. It sits at the back of your mind like a small reminder that you should never bare your feelings as easily.

They’re not a bad person, but there’s a barrier of understanding that is near impossible to cross, and I desperately want to shatter that barrier to pieces. I want them to love you like I love them, to see my efforts and appreciate it.

Not all friendships or relationships work. It’s understandable that out of the eight billion people in the world we aren’t as compatible as we assumed. I find it very hard to move on from someone I cherished. It’s disheartening to lose a connection with someone who held a huge part of my heart in their hands. Alas, I do look back at the moments we spent together fondly and I tell myself that it is a blessing to have experienced the love they had to offer, that to not have experienced it at all.

Everyone has something different to offer and I’m glad that their love was one I was able to receive. It’s fine to lose that tightly-knit bond I had, forever is never a guarantee. I’m slowly learning that I can’t expect everyone to stay in my life until I die, and it is a hard pill to swallow but it’s fine, not everyone can fit into your life. Not everyone deserves to either.

These past days I’ve had to sit down and think about how I push myself for people who frankly wouldn’t do the same. The only reason why I did so was because two people pointed out that I let people trample on me when I shouldn’t. I no longer want to chip myself away for bonds and connections that are only bright on my end. I need to put more effort into the relationships that matter, the ones that don’t leave me unnerved to the point of tears. I want to channel the under-appreciated efforts into people who love me. I shouldn’t have to beg for affection or sit under the scrutiny and disrespect of someone who can’t see the way I bleed myself dry for them.

No one should be forced to put up with unkind treatment, because someone will treat you right, someone is willing to see you and take you as you are. I’m not so deluded that I think I am flawless, but I do know some people would take those flaws and express their displeasure or just take it as a part of me. People who truly care would address their discomfort and try to understand you more. I want to surround myself with people who are considerate, and I want to be as kind to them as I can be. I want to be able to express just how much they mean to me and I want to be able to enjoy their presence without having a nagging feeling in my head. So this is my year to guard myself more and focus more on me than others.

Written by, Amina Abdulkareem