Love You First

Do not search for love when you lack it for yourself.

The desire and longing to be loved is ever present, and love is a beautiful experience when it is done right. Yet, no one should blindly search for that beautiful love when they can’t

find it for themselves. 

There are varying opinions of how people should pursue love, and I’ve been victim to what people consider appropriate or ‘bare minimum’ in relationships, alas those ideals don’t align with what I want for myself. No two human beings are the same, and that goes for what sort of love

they give and want to be given too. Something I have come to know about love however, is that you can’t fall into it as you should without loving yourself initially.

It’s something everyone should be deserving of, love. Placing it on such a high pedestal that most people do is a mistake. There are so many battles one should tackle before searching for the ‘love of their life’. Deciding that finding a ‘soulmate’ might miraculously fix things doesn’t work out the way people think it does. I mean, this isn’t a fairy-tale, love is magical but not in that way.

You only get to experience that magic if you go into it properly. One thing I’ve learned about loving others is being able to love yourself first makes the experience better. It’s going to sting so bad if I get into a relationship or push my love so hard onto someone and don’t get the same back. The reason I don’t receive that effort back wouldn’t be because I’m undeserving of love as a person, it would be due to incompatibility. 

Unfortunately, the inability to love myself to a certain degree clouds my judgement and I find myself nitpicking at everything that is wrong with me. Is anything actually wrong with me though?

Even when the bond grows fonder and stronger, there’s the issue of me always berating myself and wondering when this would come crashing down. All because my mind keeps eating at my resolve and convincing me that I have something way too good for me. My inner voice constantly left in turmoil because I don’t look like someone who he should be with. Fighting insecurities no one threw at me, battling with a mirror and exchanging verbal daggers all on

my own. 

I’ve placed people on pedestals they shouldn’t be on, and I’ve let everyone rise above me, because if I can’t embrace myself what should make me think others will. Deep down I’ve already come to terms that I am not worth any of it. I am though, we all are, it’s just a matter of working on how I perceive myself. Being in a relationship and in love isn’t meant to be improper.

Expecting to be loved in such high amounts without giving it back and vice versa isn’t right. It’s also wrong to dive into it to just be showered as an attempt to love yourself more. However, being unappreciative of your flaws and beauties does not mean others won’t notice it. Just because you can’t see how special you are doesn’t mean others do not. Then it makes one think about how impossible it is to be shown affection, but that’s only due to the flaws that

they’ve heightened in their minds. 

It’s only normal to notice the little things I can’t stand about myself because it’s me, But no one else really sees these things, and even when they do it’s not to the extent that you may think it to be.

Being loved will not automatically get you to love yourself, and if that thought process were true then love yourself. Loving yourself should be a priority, lest you get walked over. I know that the moment I feel insecure about something it takes a while to rewire my brain about it. So if someone decides to hone on that thing I’ll end up shrinking into myself, I’ll become so easily

manipulated. I’ve relied so much on the pleasure and approval of others that I have become unaware of what pleases me.

Love is beautiful and magical, when it is approached right. Expecting to feel the love you’re receiving without any for yourself will never add up. There’s forever an internal barrier that won’t let that love get all the way in.

A ‘soulmate’ won’t fix anything because real life is not as direct as romance movies, it’s all cute and admirable but you’re the only one who knows exactly how to manoeuvre that situation. 

There’s very little things that work without an external power source, but internal stability and

power is always necessary. So be your own soulmate first, make that magic work for you and share it with someone else later.

Written by, Amina Abdulkareem