The Pill

“…work for me. Have you ever been on the Pill?”

A drunken question at a house party. Someone I’d only met a handful of times before. A quick, throwaway question in the context of a midnight conversation. But a moment that’s stuck for a long time afterwards.

My identity is still something I’m figuring out, as much as I project a sense of confidence and reassurance about who I am. I’ve spent so long getting to the point that I have, starting my journey much later than people tend to and battling with all of the challenges that brings with it. 

And my appearance is something I struggle with most.

I don’t ‘pass’ as a girl most of the time. In some ways, it’s a benefit; if I’m ever anxious, going somewhere that poses a danger to my wellbeing or need to conceal the true me from members of my family, I can do that relatively easily. But when I do want to pass, when I want the world to see me truly as I see myself, I often struggle, if not to pass to others, then to pass to myself. I set high expectations, hopes and dreams for myself, which I so often fall short of.

But back to the story. A house party, the early hours of the morning, two people who haven’t spent much time together, and only knew of each other’s existence for a matter of months. 

Tucked away on the sidelines, chatting away about who-knows-what, her a little tipsy, me sober but sleepy. And then she asks me: “Have you ever been on the Pill?”

I don’t really remember what happened immediately after this, besides a small glow that burned bright inside for days afterwards. I’m sure I didn’t give a coherent answer because, frankly, it’s not a question I’ve ever been asked before. I’m a trans girl – I don’t exactly have a reason to be on the Pill, but that’s not the point. At that moment, she didn’t see me as a trans girl, she saw me in the exact same way she saw every other girl in the room; the same way she saw herself. 

And the way I’ve fought for so long to be seen by the world.

I’m so lucky to have, and have had, so many incredible girls who support me, affirm me and move heaven and earth to help me connect with the person I am, the person I’ve always wanted to be. From advice to makeovers, fashion tips to going to the bathroom with me, they’re the sisters I’ve always needed & the ones who make me, me. And sometimes, it can be the smallest of things that are so powerful – like a tipsy question about birth control in your friend’s front room.

So, no – I’ve never been on the Pill. But I have been asked. Just like so many other girls. 

Affirming language matters. And who knows, you might help someone in ways you could never imagine.

Written by, Sophie Layton (she/her)