The Truth Behind the Trope: Does the “Enemies to Lovers” Trope Romanticise Toxic Relationships

We all know, and gush over, the latest romantic novels where a pair of sworn enemies eventually become lovers. If you’re not aware, get to know: these books take you through the wildest range of emotions from start to finish and are the perfect cure for a rainy day.

However, this trope is slowly being brought into the real world, where we compare our own relationship dynamics to those in novels and I have to say, that is problematic in many, many ways. 

Although we may have only identified this as a popular trope in contemporary fiction, William Shakespeare himself was one of the writers who initiated the entire concept. In The Taming of the Shrew we see the relationship between protagonists Katherina and Petruchio start as a dynamic defined by mutual hatred and blatant manipulation, but then suddenly this develops into a deep romantic relationship, where the deceit from the past is put behind them and they build their romantic connection from scratch. Although this is lovely and the audience roots for the couple, is this a realistic dynamic for us to expect in real life, especially in the 21^st century? 

You’ll hear it said, by yourself or a trusted friend, that “people never change”. Although we always have hope that we can change a person to fit exactly what we want from a relationship, you’ll realise a few breakups later that this is very rarely true. If people have certain characteristics, such as lying, manipulation and terrible communication, it is extremely unlikely that these will vanish with a kiss, or a conversation.

It even carries through into real life: the boy that bullied you in the playground at school is excused because “he probably has a crush on you” or someone ignoring you for weeks, with the explanation “they are playing hard to get” as a method to grasp your attention. Although these may seem silly, these are subtle signs of toxicity and manipulation.

If we approach real life relationships with the attitude that a toxic or uncomfortable dynamic will eventually turn into unconditional love and romance, we submit ourselves into a hellish cycle of acceptance, waiting for the day that these people suddenly change. This has very much been influenced by examples of this being increasingly more common in popular contemporary books and films. 

An “enemy” in real life is not a political opponent, mafia boss, or “misunderstood” warrior but instead someone who uses bullying, deception and a lack of communication in the early stages of a relationship or friendship. Although some small acts of disinterest and hurtful behaviour may be explained by their past, shyness, or a lack of guidance that can be resolved through discussions and time, many of them cannot. Just because your favourite book characters can solve all of their issues through a romantic encounter (I won’t elaborate further on what that means in some recent popular romantic novels), this is not likely to reflect your own experiences. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love an “enemies to lovers” plot as much as the next person, but they definitely do affect our own ideas of standards and expectations when going into a relationship, or reconnecting with someone who treated you badly in the past. Although they may not explicitly mean to, many examples of this trope romanticise behaviour in early relationships which should not be excused. 

Although it makes an enticing plot, we need to also recognise the barrier between a storyline and our real lives. The first step to this is realising how unrealistic these plots are, and even if someone says they can “change” to form a relationship with you, we need to approach it with caution rather than comparing it to our favourite romance storylines. 

Enjoying romantic fiction does not mean we have to live by it. We can enjoy the tension, drama, the slow burn on the page, while still choosing partners who communicate, respect boundaries, and show kindness from the beginning. Fantasy needs to remain inside the novel, where it belongs, and real love can be something quieter, safer, and far more sustainable. You can enjoy a peaceful loving relationship and still root for your favourite book enemies to fall in love in your free time: getting the best of both worlds!

Written by, Charley Sands