They’re Incompatible With Your Affection

You can’t water roses the way you’d water cacti. When it comes to connecting with

someone, I remind myself that everyone has different ways of showing affection.

Love languages, that’s what we know them as. I have a hard time believing people

like me, I think a lot of us do. Not because they haven’t expressed that they admire or

appreciate me in some way but because the way they do it doesn’t speak to me. 

I’m a person who’s very big on validation, I need to be constantly reassured that I’m still

important to you. I’m not going to say I don't care much for gifts, I do, but I prefer

being told that I'm special to you. 

That’s me though, other people love being given gifts, small actions of affection, or even physical touch, that's what shows them you care. Trying to reassure someone with words when they need a hug just means you don’t understand them.

‘To be loved is to be seen’, and if you can’t tell what makes someone light up then you don’t truly see them.

Relationships are all about understanding and effort. I’ve realised it’s very important to show someone you love them in the way they want to be loved. This isn’t just about a partner, this applies to friends, family, people you care deeply about. Not everyone responds to the same treatment the same way. It doesn’t hurt to be affectionate in different ways but you have to focus on what they love. 

I understand what your limitations are and I will always acknowledge the effort you make but it’s nice to be treated the way you want to. You can’t expect to give everyone gifts to placate them

and expect them to react the same way. 

Some people melt at the tiny gestures too, a small token to immortalize an inside joke, others need to be explicitly told just how much you mean to them, some people need a really good cuddle to feel at ease, maybe they just want to spend time with you.

Sure you might have spent so much on a gift but does that really matter when you

didn’t put a lot of effort or thought? Can you truly say you care when they were dying

for an intimate moment with you but you sent them a huge gift they couldn’t care less

about? 

So you may think everyone wants the same thing, extravagant gifts and luxury

at every turn, and who doesn’t, but it isn't always that way. People have an affinity for

various things, and truly loving them means understanding them to the level where

you don’t need to second guess exactly what they need when they’re down.

Just as you can’t love people the same, you also can’t expect everyone to react to your

humour or jokes as one person did. People process some statements differently, to them it is ‘that deep’. 

You didn’t say that to be rude or to come off as inconsiderate but they don’t realize that. You have to know when you’re taking it too far, some topics are triggering to certain people even though it may seem light to others. I’m sure people hate being berated for things they can’t control but I especially despise it.

Someone bringing up the fact that I can't afford to do what they want to do makes me

think they aren’t being thoughtful. It must be frustrating to them too, I know this. I

also hate being under-appreciated. I try so hard to make the people I love comfortable and I try so hard to show that I care for them but sometimes it goes unnoticed. 

Then again, the way I show my affection might not always align with the way they want to

be loved. It means a lot to me but other people couldn’t care less though, they might hate not being spent on or hate being clinged onto. I like being spoken to constantly and I love talking to people but others find it overstimulating and that's fine for them.

Frankly, everyone just needs to be loved the right way. I’m sure everyone will find someone to love them the way that’s right for them. So if I don't appreciate the way someone addresses my interests then I’ll let them go, someone else will. And I can’t get mad if someone can’t love me the way I want them to because it probably doesn’t come natural to them. People have a hard time loving in the same frequencies, I can either take them as they are or leave them be.

Written by, Amina Abdulkareem