To Be Fixed

Have you ever been so tired, that before you even begin looking for something, you’re already blaming yourself for losing it? 

Like it’s easier to accept that you lost it, than to make an actual effort of getting up and searching?

Shivers down your spine, that tired. Skin is too tight. You feel the weight of every eyelash, and the muscle power of your eyelids could move a mountain. No appetite, no sense of time, no end to the day on the horizon.

My knee was hurting for a while, longer and more than usual. So I should see a physio, or something. This time I chose alternative medicine. 

After a session of acupuncture I seat down in front of the doctor complaining about constant fatigue, asking for a dietary advice:

Maybe I have some sort of food allergy? Maybe there are things I should avoid, or eat more of? Supplements?  Minerals?

She shook her head and with a thick Chinese accent answered: You are not sick, you are just damaged. 

I couldn’t help myself and burst into laughter. 

Please, please, tell me that something is wrong with me, that I am not okay, and it’s not okay to be so tired all time, give me a diagnosis. Tell me there is a cure, there is a magic pill, a cream, a treatment that will fix me and make me forget all about my knee, pain,  shivers, and burning desire to fall asleep every time I sit down.

I am my worst enemy. I am my best friend. I am my salvation.  

Written by, Arina Trostyanetskaya