Understanding the Concept of Boundaries as an Empath

As a people pleaser and a pathological empath, boundaries were a foreign concept and understanding and feeling them weren’t natural to me for a long time. I slowly learned first about other people’s boundaries and even slower began to understand how to maintain my own. It happened out of necessity — standing at the precipice of a burnout.

But let’s start at the beginning.

Who Is an Empath?

“A person who has an unusually strong ability to feel other people’s emotional or mental states.”

It is someone who doesn’t just recognize the other’s pain or discomfort but feels it deeply, tries to understand the reasons behind it, and find solutions.

Empathy in the Studio

Empathy gives me an advantage as a ballet teacher. I don’t need to overanalyze to know exactly what’s missing in a dancer’s movement — what they will need to gain better balance, easier placement, a higher jump, and so on.

Empathy also makes me want to convey feedback in the most direct yet gentle way possible. But it took me quite a few years and way too many burns to learn that no matter how positive my intentions are, people aren’t always ready to receive feedback. I used to take it very personally, going over it in my head time and again, obsessing about my intonation and each word I’d used.

It took me a long while — but it was super important for my own wellbeing — to understand that it doesn’t matter why this person wasn’t ready to hear that specific feedback at that specific point. They were protecting their boundaries. All I can do is respect them better next time; in the meanwhile, I don’t have to blame myself.

When Empathy Becomes Absorption.

On the other hand, dancers would often share their pains and injuries with me, asking for advice. And I used to wake up the next day with pain in the same spot they had described. That was obviously a lack of boundaries on my side.

Another issue was that I was never able to “take it easy.” Each class for me was — and still is — equally important and precious. I can’t help but give it everything. Even when I wasn’t feeling well, was hurt, or just tired, I couldn’t hold my energy back. But the body, nerves, and hormones are not as elastic as we wish. When I would keep pushing myself while drained, I’d end up feeling extremely down, negative, closed off — and in the worst cases, short-tempered.

Sometimes my brain would shut people out, and my mind would wander in the middle of a conversation. Going to social gatherings became a difficult task. I didn’t have enough space for myself, so my nervous system began to mount its fences.

Fences Are Not Boundaries.

And that was hurting both the people on the outside and myself on the inside. Fences aren’t boundaries. I’d say boundaries aren’t something we build to create distance from others — rather, they exist to give us space for our own feelings, expression, and understanding of reality, while allowing others to have their own. They create room for both parties to stay open to meeting in the middle.

Learning to Value Myself.

In relation to my work, it took me many years to accept that no matter how hard I try, how good or well-recognized I become as a teacher, someone might still not find my classes to their satisfaction, or might have opinions on how I can improve.

I’ve learned that the only thing I can do is to stay true to myself — to my genuine interest in ballet, my curiosity for the human body, and my love for movement. I learned to value my time, and to understand that my feedback is also valuable. I don’t have to constantly “help people improve.” I can give them time to grow on their own, and if I see them paying attention and coming back for more, then I can share my thoughts.

And of course, I also learned to give space to some very human — and at times embarrassing — emotions like irritation, frustration, and disappointment. I have to constantly remind myself to be kind not only to others but also to myself, especially in those moments, instead of pretending I don’t feel them, or getting angry with myself.

Closing Thoughts.

There are probably many interpretations of what boundaries are and how to understand or create them. I think it doesn’t happen artificially — it happens out of experience and necessity.

Stay curious about the things you love. Be open to sharing them with others. Be prepared that not everyone might love them the same way you do — and let them be true to themselves.

Have respect for your time, your craft, and your effort. Learn to understand your value and your values — and understanding and respecting your boundaries will come naturally to you.

Written by, Arina Trostyanetskaya