Waiting for Two Lines

Dear Diary,

It is officially 2 DPO (2 days post-ovulation). My heart feels like it’s been racing a

mile a minute. My thoughts have been restless and I can’t stop switching between

the three apps on my phone that show my body temperature, my LH levels, my

cycle dates. This is always the worst part. 

The ‘two-week-wait’ as many call it. Two weeks where you can’t take a pregnancy test because it’ll only show you a negative result. Two weeks where your mind wanders and you feel like you haven’t done enough. Two weeks where you wait and do nothing and hope that your

stress levels aren’t too high, that your progesterone is where it should be, that

you’ll have that miracle of 25% chance of implantation.

The past week was a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s hard not to get excited, to

picture what life could look like 9 months from now. My husband and I kept falling

into the pattern of ‘What names do you like?’ and ‘How are we going to split the

holidays with both our parents?’. I couldn’t help it. Couldn’t help but look at our

home and wonder where we could put the bassinet and where we could keep all

the baby diapers.

Everyone around me keeps asking me if I have any news. Meaning, Are you

pregnant yet? I can’t help but smile, knowing that I could be, but then it fades and

reality hits, and the reality is that I’m not. I won’t know for at least 14 days.

Everything else feels pointless. All I want to do is speed up time and take that

damn test. But I also don’t know if my heart can handle another negative. I don’t

I wonder how much longer I can wonder if this is even a possibility for me at all.

It’s harder when no one in my life is at this stage, either. Most people are either

just getting engaged, single or don’t want kids. All the worries and thoughts build

up inside me and I know my husband loves me, but he also doesn’t get it. He is so

supportive and loving and positive. Always saying the right things, saying we can

always try again, saying Don’t worry babe, you will be a mom and you’ll be the

best one. 

But his days go by without much thought to this. He doesn’t dwell on it

the way I do. I wish I could be like him, coast through this journey with hope and

ease. But it feels like all the pressure is on me. On my body. I’ve spent nights

Praying begging for this miracle. I’m not even sure if anyone out there can hear

me. It feels like I’m crying into this endless void and my TikTok feed is filled with

pregnancy announcements from strangers that shouldn’t matter to me, but

somehow they do.

The worst part is, all I can do now is wait. So I fill my days with work, reading,

cleaning, cooking, hoping that I can escape these thoughts for the next 14 days.

Fingers crossed I can stay sane,

B.