A Million Times Over

‘Is it better to speak or to die?’, my answer will always be to speak but I would die a million times over before I gather the confidence to pry my lips apart. At the same time though, depending on the circumstances, I speak up the moment I get the opportunity to.

I’m used to things not going my way, used to being ignored and not heard so I would rather not put myself in a position to be willfully ignored. At least that way I could lie to myself that they were unaware. I envy people who make it their mission to get things to go their way, that never works for me. Certain milestones have to be achieved before I’m allowed to do anything, those milestones do not include age unfortunately. When I do manage to whisper the things I long into the air, it’s immediately swatted away like a mosquito. I am expected to only long for responsibilities and my desires are considered foolish. So I stopped wanting out loud, I hold on as long as I can until I can finally cross the unrealistic milestones. I hold on until I begin to convince myself that I am foolish, and I secretly despise myself conforming to the usual societal roles. It’s imprinted on me that in cases like these, speaking could eventually lead to my dying. 

The guilt I have towards pleasing this person is too grand to die that way in their eyes though. 

Contradictorily, when it comes to love I don’t hesitate to speak. I never understand the concept of being the ‘loser’ in love when I’m the one feeling without restraint. I would never waste my time holding onto a love without knowing where I stand. I need to know if it is reciprocated or not, I would much rather not mourn later, after the longing has festered and grown stronger. There’s only so long I can hold onto a feeling before it becomes torture. Speaking may give me unwanted results, but at least the huge question mark has turned into a period and that chapter can be closed. Life is too spontaneous to not speak, when I don’t speak I’m left as a spectator in my own life. Some people can’t speak, so if I can, why shouldn’t I? 

Honestly speaking, why not speak if you choose to die. What could happen that would be considered worse than death? I would speak and I would speak so passionately too. However, I don’t have the courage to do that sometimes. If you can speak, please do so. 

Written by, Amina Abdulkareem