Copy, Paste, Repeat: Mini-Me

I’ve started to think I leave a piece of myself with people I really like. I use that to validate my feelings when I catch myself wanting more of them even when I shouldn’t. Maybe I am desperately trying to make myself whole again, I get drawn to the piece I left with them. I have the hardest time integrating myself with new people and being completely comfortable with them. When I do, it is the best feeling in the world. As a result, I hate amicable separations. 

They may be peaceful and mature but they hurt the most. It feels good to have something or someone to blame, to be angry at. When a relationship, usually friendships end amicably it has me wondering if I’m the one with problems. I know the other person is amazing and I truly enjoyed having them around, so why didn’t it work, unless they didn’t like me as much. That tiny piece of me latches onto them even tightly, begging to be closer, begging them not to leave. So I despise amicable separation, because I love the unique love everyone gives me.

I am a huge friend whore, I think so many people offer so much and I am always so desperate to meet new people. The concept of there being billions of people who went through a trillion different things to create a unique persona is so enticing. The idea that I can meet someone exactly different, the same or incomprehensible to me gets me so jittery. Unfortunately, with how easy it is for me to get a friend's crush on someone, you can imagine how hard it is for me to separate from them. I love talking to people and having conversations that have me thinking about my personal opinions. I love talking to people about interests I thought no one knew about. 

I love meeting people that can put me back in line when I do unusual things. I love interacting with people that appreciate my presence. Sometimes though, I think I just love people.

I’ve had to remind myself so many times why I should keep talking or being friends with a person after they do something I’m not fond of. I often do this so much that I water down what was done to me and I treat it as something that doesn’t matter, or didn’t even happen. Perhaps getting to know the good parts of someone makes me blind to their bad side. I begin to mourn the good side I’ll lose if I end the connection, and I long for that good. This is something I loathe about myself, my inability to detach, even when the situation calls for it. I really do admire people who can instantly pull out of a link, the moment they know it won’t last long or the person isn’t their vibe. It’s definitely harder for me when there is no conflict involved. 

The moment I drift away from a friend I always try to pull them back in. I look for interests that connect us together and I search high and low for ways to get back into their life. The concept of just fading away doesn’t sit right with me. When I do end up accepting it, I constantly feel like a loser. I yearn to be closer and I envy those who are close. They’re fully unaware of the tiny me burrowing under their skin just to be in proximity. 

I can’t fully explain why I feel this way, I can only say that it’s something I hate. I love how I manage to see good in people and I'm not quick to shut someone out, but I despise the apparent lack of boundaries it suggests. It’s a good thing to be able to love without regret and be able to let go of that love. However, it is not something that I can do. Hopefully, I’ll be able to someday, I think I’m trying.

Written by, Amina Abdulkareem