Finding Your Compass in Times of Grief

Hello besties,

Have you ever noticed how people expect everyone to react the same way when someone dies?

Someone cries straight away. Someone knows exactly what to say. Someone understands

what is happening and starts grieving at once.

But for some autistic people, death can feel different.

It is not that we do not care. It is not that the person did not matter. It is that our brains can

sometimes struggle to process something so big, so sudden, and so life changing.

When someone dies, the world can suddenly change in a way we did not prepare for.

One minute that person is here. The next minute, they are not.

For many autistic people, that sudden change can be incredibly difficult to understand. The

brain may know the words — “they have died” — but emotionally processing what that

actually means it can take much longer.

Sometimes there is a delay.

You might not cry at first. You might feel numb. You might carry on with your normal

routine because your brain is trying to understand the new reality.

Other people might think, “Why aren’t they upset?”

But the grief might just not have arrived yet.

Autistic people often rely on routines and familiarity to feel safe. Death completely changes

that. It removes someone who was part of your normal world, and suddenly things that used

to feel predictable are not anymore.

A chair where someone always sat is empty.

A message you used to receive never comes.

A routine changes overnight.

And sometimes it is those small things that make the loss feel real.

There can also be an extra layer of grief — the grief of not being able to process your grief in

the way people expect.

You might feel confused because you know you should be sad, but you do not feel it yet.

Then days, weeks, or even months later, something happens. A smell. A song. A memory. A

random moment.

And suddenly it hits.

The grief arrives all at once.

For some autistic people, emotions can come in waves. The feeling might be delayed, intense,

or difficult to explain. It can feel like your brain is catching up to something your heart

already knows.

There is also the challenge of dealing with everyone else’s emotions. When people around

you are crying or overwhelmed, it can be hard to know what to do. You may want to help but

I do not know the right words. You may feel emotions inside but struggle to show them on the outside.

Grief does not have one correct shape.

Some people cry immediately.

Some people go quiet.

Some people need time.

Some people understand the loss slowly.

Autism can change the way grief is experienced, but it does not make the loss any less real.

Sometimes the hardest part is not only losing someone.

Sometimes it is trying to understand why your own reaction looks different from everyone else’s.

And that difference deserves understanding too.

Love,

Your autistic bestie!