The Lesson I Learned Through… Deaths in My Life

I hadn’t experienced any deaths before, surprisingly. I heard about them but they were never impactful emotionally. My cousin Joseph, I didn’t know him well but I saw how it affected my mum, aunty and brothers. It was like they were all in the same bus but I was standing outside watching them ride this together. 

Growing up I saw it suck the sparkle out of them. I remember my mum coming home from work early that day- I was excited, my sister and I would run downstairs, since we didn’t see mum much growing up - she was always working. My enthusiasm stopped in its tracks. Instead she came through the door, sobbing, her long black hair down her shoulder along with her tears. She said “Joseph has died”. My first response, “who’s Joseph?” - I think I was 8 and I was closer with his little sister. My brothers screamed, one ran upstairs as he did not like showing his emotions. 

My cousin died of an asthma attack, now my mum projected this fear onto my sister and I as we’re asthmatic. It’s not her fault; I saw the sparkle dim. My brothers, whenever Joseph is mentioned you see the painful smile behind Niall’s eyes. I don’t think this grief was processed by him, emotions are hard for him. He processes with anger and that’s okay you weren’t given the emotional instruction manual. Kiah, he has processed it and you can just see a longing in his heart. He protects himself because he knows how much it hurts when someone is ripped away. Aunty Lindsey, your first baby, it’s okay. I see the pain in her eyes and hear the strain in her throat but you will be okay. 

So effectively, I hadn’t experienced death until my childhood dog died. I felt emptiness, I was sad all the time, I thought there was no point to loving or creating memories because it could all get ripped away in an instant. It was a hard thing to battle and you never get given the handbook on how to handle it. I don’t think it ever becomes easier to cope with death, I don’t think you ever get taught how to deal with it. It’s something you must navigate alone but lean on others around you for support.

Then it was my mum’s good friend Dave- my first panic attack and I dealt with it through writing. 

This was when I started battling the feeling of anxiety. It started clouding every thought. Death was creeping on me, closely.

My aunty Carol, at this point I thought death was so popular. I blanked the feeling, I dealt with death through denial. It wasn’t until I was at home and I put her ring on and thought I’m never actually going to see her again. So in reality death is inescapable. The one thing in life that is inevitable and we spend most of our time trying to avoid it…

Death is such a difficult feeling to navigate and I don’t look forward to experiencing it again but it is the only thing in life that is certain. We should start to get acquainted with it.

Written by, Lacey Martin