Turning 20: The Problem with Growing Older and Looking Back

When thinking about the phrase ‘The grass is always greener on the other side’, I can’t help but think about getting older. I turn twenty next week, and nineteen-year-old me feels the least excited I have for a birthday. For once, I am seeing getting older as a negative. Being halfway through my degree, having more responsibilities - but most importantly, feeling like I am running out of time.

It almost sounds silly, as being a teenager is such a fraction of your life, and you accept that as a fact from a young age. In fact, being a teenager only became meaningful by the time I turned eighteen, as moving away from home and being able to go drinking and be an ‘adult’ was all I had ever wanted, but now it feels like I am leaving my childhood memories and silly teenager decisions behind.

Thirteen-year-old me would be so confused at my sadness and apprehensiveness for turning twenty. One of my favourite books is the Virgin Suicides, and Celia, in my opinion, captured what it is like to be a thirteen-year-old girl perfectly. 

“Obviously, Doctor, you’ve not been a 13-year-old girl.”

When we are young, we want to be older. When we are getting older, all we seem to do is reminisce on our adolescence.

 As much as I hate to admit it, my parents were definitely right when they said time goes quicker as you get older. I struggle to wrap my head around the fact that two years of university have already passed and if anything, it makes me even more apprehensive for the future knowing the next two years will go even faster - and then I am unemployed, post-graduate and ‘officially’ an adult. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

So, is the grass really greener on the other side?

It is no secret that us as humans have a tendency to want in when we are out, and want out when we are in. A conversation I had with my eleven-year-old cousin comes to mind where she kindly made the remark that soon I will be ‘closer to thirty than ten’, however this scared me much less than turning twenty in a way. I have already experienced early adulthood, and know how, while how fun it is, the lack of responsibilities, unstructured living and spontaneity often triggers more anxiety and uncertainty than I like to admit. And who can’t admit they don’t watch Sex and The City and romanticise their adult life?

But on the other hand, this week I started my very first 9-5 job and was kindly brought back to real life and appreciated my university student life and quickly remembered why I was so scared of turning twenty in the first place.

Maybe the grass is never actually greener on the other side - maybe it only looks that way because we're always standing somewhere wishing we were somewhere else. At thirteen, I couldn't wait to be eighteen. At eighteen, I couldn't wait for the freedom of university. Now, as twenty approaches, I find myself looking back instead of forwards. 

Perhaps this is simply part of growing up. Learning that every stage of life comes with something to miss and something to look forward to. Time will keep moving whether I am ready or not, so maybe the best thing I can do is stop looking over the fence and appreciate the patch of grass I'm standing on before I find myself missing it too.

Written by, Annie Pearce