Why Are We So Afraid of Undefined Love

Maybe some connections ask to be experienced, not explained

and they are already complete within themselves.

I think all our lives we are quietly taught how much we need romantic love. We grow up surrounded by relationships, couples, soulmates, and the idea that humans are social animals who are somehow incomplete on their own.

I remember something a friend once said that really stuck with me: “The approval of the desired sex is the biggest source of motivation.”

Some may argue that everything we do is driven by a desire for validation, but what if it goes even deeper than that? What if romantic love and affection are the hidden forces behind far more of our decisions than we’d like to admit? If that’s true, then are our lives just one long race to be chosen? To find the person who will make the world look different, make ordinary things feel extraordinary, and convince us that all the waiting was worth it?

But what if two people actually do have the connection? That insane bond, spark, energy, whatever you like to call it. What happens when two people genuinely have that connection and yet, for whatever reason, it cannot become a relationship? Does the inability to label it make it less real? Less worthy? Or are we simply uncomfortable with things that don’t fit into familiar categories? I think this is the stage where people start inventing new names and labels because God forbid we just let something exist. We love labelling, analysing, categorising, creating new words, contributing to the English language. But can’t two people simply exist in each other’s lives, share something magical, and allow that to be enough?

Does everything have to turn into romantic love? Isn’t there something strangely pure about choosing someone every day without ownership, expectation, or a title hanging over your head? 

Why do we assume commitment is the only thing capable of giving a connection value?

In many religious and spiritual views it is believed that people are created in pairs, but it doesn’t necessarily say people are created in pairs that have to be tied together through a romantic bond. Is it possible that we’ve exceeded this notion, like we do with so many other things, and turned it into a product of relationship culture, and coupling propaganda?

I can’t say I loved everyone I dated in my life because I think we mistake a lot of emotions for love. Again, because we’re constantly trying to shape something so far from pure love and affection into what we think love is supposed to look like. Somewhere along the way, we started treating labels as proof of love rather than descriptions of it.

But I have loved some people so much that I wanted to freeze time at certain moments, so we could just stay there in what we had created, without having to carry the responsibility and weight those feelings might lead to in reality. Unfortunately, the problem was not the feeling itself, but the fact that feelings like that don’t really fit neatly into a world that demands definitions.

I think the moment you start defending a connection to other people, you begin seeing it through their eyes instead of your own. Suddenly you feel pressured to prove its importance by giving it a name, a future,a direction. As if love only becomes legitimate once it can be explained or understood.

So many times I think the opinions and judgements of other people have gotten in the way of my own thoughts and made me act in ways I didn’t want to act. Forcing people into being together, getting upset when they wouldn’t, attachment, detachment, smothering, ghosting, distance — all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

We have become so obsessed with defining our connections that we sometimes forget to experience them. We rush to label people, relationships, and emotions before we’ve even allowed ourselves to fully feel them.

We’re comfortable accepting that life isn’t linear. We tell ourselves that every experience is a lesson, that certain moments enter our lives to change us, challenge us, and shape who we become. So why is it so difficult to accept that the same might be true of people?

Why can’t we accept that some people enter our lives not to belong to us, but to transform us?

I do believe love in whichever shape or form it takes, is the center of the universe. And if you have someone that makes you feel this way, hold them close. Not because they belong to you, not because you need a title to justify what they mean to you, but because genuine love and connection are rare. Maybe some connections are complete in themselves. Maybe not everything meaningful is meant to become a relationship. Maybe some people are simply meant to find each other, change each other’s lives, and exist in whatever form their connection

naturally takes.

Written by, Lara Kurtulus