Bit of a deep one.
I had a little bit of a brainwave as I don’t live at home anymore.
I have my own little place for myself which I love and I’m very happy and content which is a huge flex to eighteen year old me haha.
Going home reminds me of the uncontrolled changes and losses I have endured, mostly big ones.
Looking back on change is daunting and can for most of us and make us feel an empty feeling because for sure I do a lot.
But I have sailed through and here's a little bit of hope you will do too despite the chaos.
Looking back there is grief but in many ways it can be different.
I don't know what is worse living grief or actual grief.
What I call living grief is when you lose someone living in your life and then actual grief which I am sure you can guess for yourself.
I realise that in order to keep a lot of my peace there are a lot of things I’ve never said and later only affected my peace within.
So to help with that I write.
There are a lot of reasons as to why I do feel these feelings now.
I will be writing about different types of grief in another blog post but for now...
When I’m home everything reminds me of certain people.
It’s not that I am scared of the great memories or even the sad ones.
It’s just hard and some days I can understand and navigate through them easier than others and then sometimes I don’t want to face the music.
I don't want to go to the train station where we would go every single day to go to my house.
I don’t want to walk on the side of the road at the shopping centre because we wanted to spend more time together.
I don’t want to do the same things that we did.
I don’t want to do that.
I’m not embarrassed to say it because at the end of the day that person was a massive part of my life.
I lost my best friend and boyfriend.
As much as that I’ve moved on from that person I am aware I’ve not moved on from the hurt.
But it fades.
I thought I would never be able to listen to the same music?
But now I do and sometimes it can be either fun or sometimes nostalgic.
Watching those films or listening to that music because why should that all be ruined just because someone just couldn’t sort themselves out.
I’ve learnt that I can make new memories and I can change those memories into happier memories with other people in my life.
That was always so important for me in my first year after my break up because as much as I didn’t want to do certain things I still made sure that I did.
The world can't stop Daisy.
I went and did those things even though it was so hard.
Having memories of good and bad, I replaced those with a different memories with another person.
Being the person that chose to leave is never easy.
It is never a one up, it is not competition or a flex to have someone who cannot pull their weight.
The other person was fading away and slowly detaching themselves whether they realised it or not and left me to dry and make a decision as to whether things should carry on.
I think it is easy if you are the person that doesn't have feelings for them.
Or have much love for them anymore, which is sad because I don’t know how love can run out.
I genuinely think the love that I’ve potentially had with someone or definitely had with someone is always there.
It won’t be a meaningful love anymore or a specific type of love, it'll just be genuine love for someone and genuine care.
I like to think of that as like I’ve left my touch on someone in their life and I don’t know, maybe help them learn something or understand something about themself.
I never like to think of anything as a waste of time.
It is funny to think that every time I have gone back to that person as much as I hate myself sometimes for doing it, I don’t beat myself up over it because every time I have been given the same present every time.
When I mean present, a gift being that every single time nothing has ever changed.
As much as I’ve been told by them I’ve changed, I do this, I do that now.
The tiny self made changes are great but the way they treat you and the way they respect you will never change.
I read in a book that if someone truly loved you they would leave you alone and I have never ever related to something more.
Because I loved that person and I left them alone and they could not do the same for me, which you might think is Daisy that’s cute they’ve come back in your life but they’ve never come back in my life since the initial break up as a good thing.
My body rejected them every time and it’s like the universe kept stopping me from seeing them or it could be a crazy coincidence, take your pick.
Every time I wanted to see them and spend time with them things got in the way.
It’s like the universe is giving me a sign.
The reason why these things are so impossible these days is because the universe is saying: no they are not your person anymore.
Someone who loves you would never put you in position to let you walk away.
Lately people have said to me that I am single because of my last relationship and I say no because I choose to be single and want more.
And that now when a person comes and makes me feel second-best they go straight in the bin.
I thank you so much for making me feel so crap for so many years because it is working in my favour now.
No feelings or memories in my life control me anymore, only me.
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